The Difference Between Aloneness and Loneliness
Once, there was a time where I was so afraid to be left alone with my thoughts. So much that I would constantly fill up my schedule with social events, hobbies, casual jobs and pretty much anything and everything that would save me from being by myself for more than five minutes at a time.
I would do anything to ensure I always had company, even if that company didn’t treat me right or meant massively settling on my self worth and boundaries.
The thought of dying alone or being an old spinster with 80 cats terrified me so much that I would cling to anyone that gave me even a hint of attention. I would not be caught dead in a cafe sitting and eating a meal on my own without my laptop, even less so taking myself out for a romantic candlelit dinner.
What would people think? Surely they’d pity the sad single girl with her meal-for-one and her glass of red.
Lately, I’ve been really sinking into aloneness and loving every minute of it.
Just like me, you may be more alone than you’ve ever been
I’ve never been more alone than I’ve ever been in my entire life, but I’m far from lonely.
When I made the commitment to move into my own place and live (completely) alone for the first time in my adult life, I was more nervous than I care to admit. I knew that fully being able to sink into my aloneness (and truly enjoy it) was the next step in my evolution, and I was avoiding it heavily.
Would I go crazy and lose the plot? Perhaps fashion a pal out of a Volleyball so I had someone to talk to when it was late at night and I felt lonely?
Would I spiral into depression and loneliness seeing nothing but my own reflection on the days where there was no staff scheduled to show up, no calls, no appointments, and no social events?
Would I slump back into a bad habit of endless one night stands just so I didn’t have to wake up alone every day?
Would I sink into my hermit ways of ordering food and declining social invites to sit at home and watch documentaries, losing touch with reality?
Would I be up all hours unable to sleep every time I heard a noise outside my window?
Who was going to save me if a murderer showed up on my doorstep?
Quite to the contrary, the time I’ve been spending on my own has been incredible and has proven all of these assumptions wrong.
Here’s what actually happened
I’ve been more focused, more creative, and more driven than ever.
I’ve felt more safe, secure, and protected than I’ve ever felt – in any place I’ve ever lived.
And ironically, I’ve been more social and really enjoying that social time instead of doing it out of obligation or having my arm twisted.
Here’s the difference between aloneness and loneliness
Loneliness assumes that there is such a thing as separation and lack. It focuses on what is not present and what is missing.
Aloneness is knowing that we are never truly alone. It is knowing that we are all one and we don’t need to constantly surround ourselves with people to feel connected and whole.
Yes, I am alone. But I am not lonely.
I fully sink into my aloneness and enjoying my own company. I sink into feeling my energy being completely clear and unaffected.
The thought of taking myself out for a nice dinner is now my idea of bliss. The thought of peace and quiet and not having to navigate someone else’s schedule, emotions (particularly as someone who can feel so deeply what other people are feeling), or moods is even better.
I’m completely independent, secure and functional without having to rely on anyone else.
And from that place of independence and security in my self, I know that regardless of people coming and going, romantic relationships beginning or ending, I’ll be good.
I’m always going to be good, because even if I’m alone I know I am whole, complete and connected with everything that is purely by BEING and existing.
We come into this world alone and we die alone.
But if you are afraid of being lonely, then it’s time to address the most important relationship you’ll ever have, which is the relationship you have with yourself.